Apology/Thank-you/Vent

Trigger Warning: Mentions of self-harm and anxiety

I'm sorry. I didn't fully know where this was going to go with this. But I had to say some things.

First of all: I'm sorry. I've been really busy lately, so I haven't been on DA much, plus sometimes when I have it hasn't been working properly for me. So that's why I haven't been posting much (not like I've been creating much either due to being busy as well) and why I haven't been commenting much except replies. I have some longer written pieces sitting in my notifications until I find time to read them and give feedback.

Which leads me to another thing. I'm sorry even more so because part of the reason for these things hasn't just been because I'm busy (although that's the main reason), but because I haven't felt like it. Which I should, because it's your amazing works and you deserve feedback. I especially apologise to chaseawaythedark, because there's one of your stories that has probably been sitting there for a month by now.

I think maybe some of my lack of commenting is due to my personality. Spreading myself actively online and 'speaking' a lot is so much easier than in real life, but I'm still an introvert. It still tires me. So although I've still been on here, I've kind of 'disappeared' into myself and I haven't been commenting as much. 

And I'm sorry for my negativity and I'm sorry I'm me. But this leads me to another thing. Thank-you guys. You're always there for me and I love being there for you. People tend to say social media/staying online a lot is bad for you, but it's such a positive for me. I feel like I can speak more freely, I'm less shy and better at social interactions online, people care so much for each other and I feel like I'm doing good stuff because I help you guys. Feeling somewhat like I have worth, like I'm useful, like I'm good is so wonderful. And it wouldn't be so wonderful without all of you. So thank-you.

Now I'm going to go all negative and vent-y. You don't have to read this if you don't want to. 

As you all probably know by now, I have anxiety. I've probably always kind of had it in my life but it particularly came into attention last year when I started self-harming. I no longer self-harm, but it saddens me that the main reason is because of my family. I don't want to hurt them and it hurts them when I do, so I don't anymore. But I still feel like I should. Because I feel like I should be punished. Because I'm worthless and don't deserve to exist. At least that's what I think.

Now, it hasn't all been bad. I still get happy and excited over things. I don't have anxiety at it's worse. But it's still there. For a while, I felt like things were getting better, my head was clearing. But recently it just seems to all have crashed back down over me again. There's a few reasons I think why.

One is that I feel like I'm being selfish. That I don't do enough for other people. I'm trying to do more and people have told me I do a lot, but I still feel so selfish. It's like no matter what I do, it'll never be enough. Like I can't change who I am and I'm selfish. That it's part of who I am.

Another thing is I don't feel connected enough to my friends. Like they're only my friends because they're my sibling's friends. One of them even said they connect with TheseWingsofDarkness better than they connect with me. I understand why and I can't blame them. I'm mostly at fault. I'm not an easy to connect with person and anxiety isn't helping. I distance myself. And sometimes I feel as if who I am and what I like distances me from them as well, even though we do share many interests. I feel like I connect better with people online sometimes. Maybe that's because you all know some of the deeper parts of me and I know some of the deeper parts of you.
But then again, recently my friends found out I had anxiety. I don't think they fully understood/understand what it is. The good thing is, they don't treat me any different. But I kind of feel like it's a bad thing to. It's as if they're not trying to see what can help me. On the day they found out, one of them kept asking me questions and stuff at first, but not anymore. I don't know if these things mean they don't care, or they're just too busy with their own lives. I suppose everyone is. But I don't want to be busy with my own life. I want to help everyone else with their lives. But I'm not doing that.

I'm also really busy at the moment and I'm stressing out over everything. Plus, I'm often in places with lots of noise and people, which isn't doing anything good for my introverted soul. It's as if all the little things I stress about, all the times I'm in crowded places, has built up and continues to build up into this massive ball of stress. And I don't even know where some of the stress is coming from. It's stress without reason.

Also, someone I know isn't doing too good at the moment. I feel like I'm doing nothing for them. And I hate seeing them upset. Whenever I see people upset, especially if they're close to me, it makes me feel bad and like crying. I just don't know what to do and I want to do everything for them, but I feel like I'm doing nothing. I feel like strangers are doing more things for them than I am.

Then there's just the general feeling worthless and bad and useless and stress and self-hate. I have a terrible self-esteem. I can't talk to strangers (in real life). I'm just feeling so bad at the moment. I had managed not to cry myself to sleep for a while but now... And sometimes I can't hold in the tears until I'm in bed. Just yeah... I hate my overthinking brain.

I'm meant to be trying to prove my negative thoughts wrong. Go "you're a thinking trap. I'm not going to listen to you. You're wrong for this reason and that reason and this reason." But the thing is, they argue back. With evidence. And it's like they prove themselves right. Besides, even before I try to prove them wrong, my heart's already listening to them. And often the feelings come first before the thoughts. Then it definitely doesn't help.

Right now I just want to try hard to live a normal life, work hard to get rid of my anxiety, become a better person. But at the same time I just want to disappear. Evaporate into the night sky and sink into the soil. Just yeah... I don't know. I'm trying.

I'm sorry if you read all this. I didn't mean to write for so long and I just needed to write down my thoughts. Get it all out. I suppose I could have written it elsewhere, but maybe I'm lying to myself when I say I don't want anyone to notice and help me. Maybe I'm just an 'attention-seeker' when I don't want to be.

...

Thank-you guys for everything. You all mean so much to me. And you're all wonderful, lovely people.